I’ve found my voice to write again

This is how I feel..


Hear and watch Jamie Lucas Scott sing this.. its adorable

Here’s the full version.. I’m into the ending, cuz I’m not anyone’s son.. :)

When I turned 16 – “Just Can’t fight this feeling any longer”

Being 16 is an interesting age.  I invited three people to my house.  Jenny and her bf and Anthony Patton.  I wanted a cozy couple type environment. I was blessed and happy that Anthony showed up.  But, Anthony never wanted more than to be my friend.  Poor guy put in the middle of this uncomfortable situation.  I have a pic of him sitting on the floor below the stereo. I just stood around with no where to be. Very awkward just leaving 15 years old, the day before.


He showed up.  It meant everything to me.  He is my friend, still, today.  I’m forever happy about this.


I love you, still. Just differently.  I bought that 45 just for you..  and now you know.

When did I lose me?

I cut off all my hair. I can donate it, its that much.

It grew out a little, to lose its shape but there was no way I’m cutting it shorter.

Now I’ve permed it and it looks like a poodle pooped on my head.

No pictures. End of story.

Therapy blues

I haven’t been going to my weekly therapy appointments.  I just haven’t had the inclination to do the homework.

I’ve decided to go back, as if I have a choice.. but if I go back, I wish to find some inspiration for what I started writing here.  I don’t know if it will work out but it could, also, be a $10 miracle visit, too.  We’ll see how it goes.

I’m not sure who to trust when I’m mentally challenged. I don’t want a record. I just want a history to write. I want to be  writer and I think I have it in me to share my stories. I just get caught up in the nothingness of the everyday, as  a disabled woman holding down the couch, excessively.

I’m tired of the pain. I want it to stop. I think my doctors can do something more than they are doing. But I must be patient and do it all their way.  I’m not happy about that.

I guess I’m not in my write mind to find the memories to write about today.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I completely forget where to find this blog

Its hard to update a blog when you sit with an empty head for where its located.  So, here I am. I’m found, again. I can’t wait to move on.  Forgot is no longer on my mind. I’ll be back soon. <3

Enters Nazi Dentist from Hell

There was a very mean dentist on El Cajon Blvd that we could take the bus to. In my opinion, he NEVER should have treated children.

After my adult front tooth grew in cracked, with the bottom half missing (disintegrated inside the gum) I was abruptly told “that isn’t possible” multiple times.  I felt like saying “ok. then I’m a liar.” LOL

I think I was eight when I had my first root canal.  Looking at it on film now you can see what a botched job it was.  All of my other root canal’s are pristine..  the front tooth root canal looks like he just dug a bunch of tissue out of it and filled it in with filing material.

The root canal procedure was very painful and I cried while the dentist yelled at me to shut up and told me it didn’t hurt, through the whole thing.

Less than one week later, my face swelled up, around my nose, and I had a huge abscess where this root canal had been done.  My grandma took me to an oral surgeon, on the bus, and they cut open my mouth to remove gauze that had been left in the bottom of my root canal area.

After this horrible experience, I no longer had to go see Nazi dentist..  we found a wonderful new dentist, Michael Mahaffey, near Grandma’s house, in Linda Vista.  I saw Dr. Mahaffey for 14 years, until I moved away from San Diego.  One time, when I was supposed to be preparing for my senior pictures, he asked me about them and I told him there was no way I was taking them with the way my front tooth looked. It had been filled to resemble a real tooth but it was two different colors.

To my surprise, and out of his own pocket, before we finished my filling that day, he bonded the tooth, so it was all one color and I could schedule my senior photos.  He was *that* kind of man and I appreciated him.

After I left San Diego, I saw two other dentists. One in Florida and one in South Carolina.  I was very nervous and anxious and dentistry and I were not getting along real well. I had heard of people being sedated or given sedation type medication but when I asked I was always told no.  The front office would remind me to bring a driver when I was on *that* medication the doctor said I couldn’t have, though. That was disturbing.

So, I stopped going to the dentist for about one year.  And I cracked a back molar, on a simple piece of soft cereal.  Off to the office I went, with this emergency, to see the first available dentist.  That was the day I met Jason.  We are dental partners. He takes very good care of me.

Cabin Fever

When I was 4-5, we (grandma and grandpa and Gabe and I, I think. there were a lot of bodies so maybe my younger aunts too) moved to a two room cabin.

Grandpa built a cage in the back yard and we had a few rabbits.  We also always had a cage of parakeets inside.  We had two dogs and one was called Sherry I think.  Sherry used to answer the phone when we weren’t home and just bark at the caller.  My great grandma told us that all she could hear was the dog barking.

This was the time that I became a weekend rehab kid.  I had to go visit my mother at the rehab center, and make these leather crafts every Saturday.  I was always amazed at how big these houses were and all the strange people around.. that was my thoughts while I was mostly bored. They had a big board/schedule with duties on it and I remember thinking how wonderfully organized they were there.  I did not enjoy these visits. I didn’t understand why my mother couldn’t come home with us.  It was always just a full day, every week, that ended in disappointment.

It was while we lived in the cabin that I got into my bicycle accident.  My Aunt Cynthia and I were riding bikes around town and went up this hill, above our cabin.  As we started on the way down, she was yelling at me to not use my brakes and I thought she was saying to use my brakes.  The bicycle rattled out of control and fell into a small cement ravine.  I remember being very hurt, in the hospital, with a cut lip and bruised and bloody elbows and knees.  I knocked my front tooth loose during this accident and when it finally fell out, the permanent tooth grew in chipped diagonally. (This was the start of my Nazi dentist hell.. next post.)

There was a terrible incident that caused great sorrow in our classroom.  We read about it in the newspaper. A man in our community was murdered in cold blood, in his barn.  I don’t recall that they ever knew who did this to him.  His youngest daughter was in my kindergarten classroom, at school, though.  The girl never returned to school. I think the family moved away, but I don’t know where they moved to.

Some of my happier memories, in the cabin, were making home-made play dough, with Alum, with Grandma.  We always made many colors and had such great fun with this simple recipe that I wish I sill had today.

Just down the road, from the cabin, and probably the reason we moved to the cabin, Grandma and Grandpa had a plant shop.  It was a small family garden center.  We planted seeds and people purchased seedlings, from us.  We potted smaller plants and sold them as bigger plants.  Every weekend we had a booth at the Swap Meet, in east county. I remember the swap meet’s being long and boring, hot days.  I remember the nursery being soothing.  I would ask Grandma to write words onto notebook paper, in cursive, and I would trace over them.  She never seemed to bore of my asking.  I can attribute much of my own writing style to hers and my mother’s.

Our neighbors in the end cabin, were the Obermeiers. I sure miss them.

War Siren Scared me Silly

Before I was four, I was back living with my grandparents.  They owned a home in La Mesa on Skyline Drive.  We lived on a corner, with a huge tall yellow war siren.  There were weekly siren tests that used to make me cry so bad, that one time I took my turtle Charlie, and my mud pies and went and got into my bed.  My aunts were babysitting and they didn’t know what to do with all the mud.

Oh, btw, I don’t think Charlie ran away, like I was told.  I’ll never believe that.

This house was unique.  It had a step-down family room and that didn’t work too well with my tv tray on wheels that I was using as a shopping cart.  I would play shop around the house and then I guess grandma would put all the stuff back, because I don’t remember that part. haha.

Big Bird and The TRUTH

Every time Gabe went to visit “his dad” and “Grandma Mary,” they brought back and gift for me, too.

This time, it was around Gabe’s 3rd birthday, I think, because I got this Big Bird transistor radio from Daddy and I got this really cool habit trail race car for my hamster that lived at Grandma’s house.

I had spent the last weekend or so alone, without my brother and that left me with many questions.

Why didn’t I go to Grandma Mary’s anymore?  Why didn’t Daddy have me over for the weekend anymore?  Why was my last name different on my medical stickers than on my school records?

I was only seven years old, but I remember sitting on the front porch step wondering all these things, as I tried to remember the way Great Grandma had taught me how to pray about things.

When my mother’s shock wore off, about my questions, she sat down and explained to me that my biological father was her first husband and his name was Michael Jeffers.  I remember being relieved that I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t feel hurt.

From that year on, though, every time a new phone book was delivered we looked to see if he was in it.  His parents always were but he wasn’t..  there is was, every year, Dunbar Lane.

Kenny (Gabe’s dad) and Gabe’s Grandma Mary never sent nor gave me another gift.  I guess to them, their obligation to me had ended.  For me, as a kid, I though it was just sad and mean.





Mint and Carbonated Orange makes me go “ewww”

For the first ten years of my life, I lived on a mint flavored antibiotic for bladder, urinary tract infections.  I had many kidney problems and when I didn’t have an infection, I had to take maintenance levels of this horrible mint flavored medication.  I only had to take it once a day when I didn’t have an infection, but until I was 21, every urinary analysis returned positive.

This horrible mint flavor has interrupted any enjoyment I’d have with gums or tooth paste.  Tooth paste is the worst.  Most mints make me gag.

When I was pregnant, with all three children, I had to take multiple blood sugar tests.  The orange flavored carbonated sweet drink they make you drink, is enough to make me want to throw up, even if I can’t do it.  Its just that gross to me.  It has ruined me for orange soda and orange slurpee’s.  Small sacrifice.